St Valentine's day

How is it we have let a card company and a mania for consuming, diminish our sense of selves?  Or is it just me?  Anyway, I had bubbles at breakfast and celebrated my love of place, of self, of this time, these opportunities.  Then I was fortified to wander off into the world knowing that no matter what, I am and will always be loved by the most important person in my world, myself.  I am grateful for so many things, most of all these people: Mom, Bill, Sharon, Lisa, Honor, Dad, Kolleen, NZ and Krip friends, new Camden friends, Tui and MoJo.  So, with that, I am off in search of some glorious dark chocolate.  xoxo

White hair

I've had white hair for about eight months now and I still forget I've got it.  That I cut my hair I can't forget since I love not having it always in my face.  But there are, I've realized, more downsides than upsides to short hair.  For instance, every morning, my hair has bed head - in classic style.  Every angle and sticking up hideously.  That never happens with long hair.  Also, there is only one style now for my hair and it gets boring, seeing, combing, creating the same look every day.  With long hair, I had options.  I may not have utilized them very often and been quite boring in my day to day existence with long hair, but there was always that opportunity, just waiting.  So, I've decided to let it grow again, which will be hell of course to get through certain stages.  And I'll have to decide how long is long - just all one length but ending at my chin?  Or my shoulders?  And will I keep it white.  I've always felt that long hair doesn't do white well and tfor me, part of cutting it all off was going white.  Now, I long for the length but am learning how to live with the white and I'll see what long does.  I don't feel I can go back to color, of course, right now, I can't afford it even if I wanted to so white it remains until employment happens.  And then, once established, changing something as radical as a haircolor, particularly from white to color, will be awkward.  For who I ask myself?  But, first to let it grow and then to determine how I feel about the color or absence.  Of course, if the absence of men continues then it doesn't take a genius to deduce that men want, more than anything, to live in a fantasy that says the woman on his arm is younger than him and indeed, younger than her own age.  That is what color does.  I do feel I look either, my age or older but that is mostly because so many of both genders color their hair for so long (into their 60s/70s) that having white hair in my 40s just lumps me automatically a few decades ahead of myself.  The whole issue is one I feel interested to continue living through and the start happens with not buzzing it again.  Of course, unique to me, is that I have three competing cowlicks at the crown of my head.  The lack of weight from long hair allows each to express its opinion about the direction of the many short hair strands.  Altogether, not a good look.  On the plus side of the whole white hair experience, I have discovered the joy of wearing color.  No longer the gothic all black - it is too severe with the silver hair.  So reds, pinks, orange, green, etc - all part of the new wardrobe, the new look, the emerging essence of beingkmy.

the sun mocks me

Lolling about in bed as late as 9 am, knowing the sun is shining, knowing that my body calls out for a walk, for yoga, for a stretch (however minimal) doesn't shift me very often these days from sloth, from the lolling.  It is as if, to put a positive spin on it, I am storing up all this lazy emptiness for when my life gets busy again and these long slow mornings become part of a reflective longing, of happy memory, of gentle laughter at how, so often, where we are isn't where we want to be or so we think in every moment.  Thus I am allowing myself this reveling, this languor, this silly slipping into stiffness and bad posture - all in the knowledge that soon enough I will be regimented, urgently doing all the 'right' things so that everything fits.  I will again be driven by my list, my need to stay on top of work, fitness, playfulness, health.  And of course I will kick myself that in this long period of idleness I chose not to lose 10 pounds, not to run a daily 5k, not to actually acquire a daily meditation practice.  But kicking does no good.  Every day I lay in bed and choose.  In that choice is the opportunity to enhance my body or feed my soul by allowing sloppy living to reign.  Of course, sloppy living, like sloppy language softens the muscles of our discipline and makes an uglier presentation to the universe so this isn't a place to hang around for too long.  But no longer do berate myself on off mornings, on lazy sleepins.  Time enough to come when I long for the snooze.  As I feel closer to work, to structure, to the next phase of my life, I increasingly feel ready to challenge, to move, to get out of bed because I am hungry to begin again.  The resting is nearly over.  So, as I two steps forward, these mornings of one step back are really a delight.  And I grin when I think about them because they are restorative and restoration is what I needed, craved and acquired.  With grace, I will begin again, listing but also listening to when the pause button needs an extra push, even in the midst of frantic doing.  Particularly then. 

Driving test, written

Another glorious day and I will be taking my driving test to prove I can memorize how many feet it takes for my car to stop at a speed of 50 mph and other critical information.  I had a most hopeful phone call yesterday and that is part of the reason I have been at the library this morning, doing more research.  I need to remember this time of research when I do get a job.  Just allowing oneself to wander resources and look for fresh ideas is very rewarding and stimulating and inspiring.  Borrowing bits of success from around the world will make whatever I eventually do all the better for whoever I am doing it with.  That is a perfectly obscure sentence.  Ah well, suffice to say, that taking the time to just seek without pressure is so rewarding, I hope to keep the zen of it within me as work pressures mount, which in time, I am assured, they will.  And I am aware of how without loyalty I can be.  Each of the potential employers has rallied within me the challenge to see how I could be creative and offer new ideas.  And for each, I could and would do my best.  It is just amazing to see how quickly I swap and change as opportunities fade or new directions arise.  There are so many mindful moments on this journey toward employment, I am grateful, truly, for the forced connection to them.  Namaste. 

Cover letter #36

Honestly, now, I am writing from scratch, if only to entertain myself.  Clearly whatever I'm doing isn't working so I am ditching my tried and true letters and responding to how I feel when I am writing.  Of course, the anxiety is creeping back in as time passes and those 'conversations' I had two weeks ago fade in my memory, as clearly, I have faded from potential employers.  I sought out names of professional employment firms in the night and next week will road trip to Portland to meet with someone for a look at my resume and my cover letters and some good old fashioned advice.  Could it be reverse culture failure?  Is it the white hair?  I am a bag of doubts and wonders, none of which is helpful.  Each day I gaze at the sea and practice my gratitude prayers but even that moment of peaceful beauty and grace doesn't make up for 24.5 hours of dismay and discouragement.  I imagine it must be my guardian angel who is keeping the sun out for me so that I remember how to shine.  I take hope from that belief.  And my girlfriend today encouraged a daily dose of bubbles in the prelude to V-day.  I am already wearing red or pink each day, the bubbles are another way of smiling back at God and encouraging love into my life.  And good friends.  I raise my glass to both ideas, all of you.

Reflexology

Today I met with my new teacher and signed up for a 250 hour course to become qualified as a reflexologist before summer!  The start of a new career or at least a side business that connects me with people in a new and different way.  This is asking for money as well, but with a twist.  The donors get to relax instead of tense up during their time with me....just getting through the course will tell me a lot about if this is really going to be me or just another trick in my bag.  Meanwhile, I've applied for yet another job; this one full time and at a private college. Not sure if it is what I want but truly, I guess, I do need to do something for at least two years until I have a sense of what Maine has to offer me and during that time I need references, a sense of local success and connection to people.  I am no longer all that worried about who I work for - all those I've applied to would be organizations I could support and get excited about.  What needs to happen is for someone to trust, to risk and to believe I can and will do my best for them.  Meanwhile, I will chase some new and different dreams.  Even if I was a betting person, I couldn't begin to guess who will be the organization that offers me my chance.  Bless them as they consider all the applicants.  We are all likely worthy, I just hope something I say becomes my personal tipping point into employment. 

Owl's Head General Store

Today was glorious, what I experienced of it.  I slept straight through two yoga classes, dragging self to the kitchen for coffee at 11:45 am.  Thought to call mom and see if she wanted to go for a drive since the sun was shining and while I was enjoying sitting on the couch doing nothing, the day looked too gorgeous to pass over completely.  So we went in search of the claimed 'best burger in Maine'.  And it was good.  The sunset will be glorious and I'm going for a long walk to watch it set before enjoying dinner and some movies at home and an early night so that tomorrow I can and will get up to watch the bald eagles feed on the Georges River.

What I did accomplish today was to sign up for a reflexology course that starts at the end of the month.  In five months time I will be qualified to practice in Maine.  That is great.  The teacher sounds interesting, the class will be with three other women and we meet six times between now and June.   I am rather excited since I have been thinking and reading about this a lot lately and I think it will give me some options.  I'm going looking for a house next week and will look with the idea of operating my 'business' from a spare room.  Next up will be a course on aromatherapy.  Maybe also a nutrition/wellness diploma (on-line).  So much to do and that is why I am praying for the part time job at Georges River.  Not only because I believe they would be great to work for but I would have the time and capacity to develop these other aspects, as well as do some free lance writing and typing.  There really isn't any limit to what I can do but what I need most of all is some immediate income to pay the rent!  And some spare change to buy things like the new Leonard Cohen CD. 

I am listening to it now while I type - Old Ideas - such a great smoky sexy voice.  What a guy. 

Another gorgeous day

Wow, truly I would never have guessed that my first winter back in Maine could ever have been so warm and delightful.  I went for a walk this morning in the sunshine and have enjoyed reading the paper and a book in a pool of sunshine at the library and at home.  Tonight I am off to a short film festival and then am going bald eagle spotting tomorrow morning.  I have found another interesting job to apply for, this one in Portland.  I am resigned to the fact that it is more than likely I won't be working and living locally.  I'm going house hunting early next week in Rockland just for fun and to show the universe the right direction to apply some energy.  I'm realizing as I continue to write to this blog that it allows me to reflect philosophically when I walk, run and potter about - it is then that I craft more existential blog posts.  By the time I face a computer screen, I have reduced my thinking to the current situation and also, I haven't gotten used to the notion of posting my diary entries to the world at large.  That is what I've always felt blogging is unless the topic is specific.  Of course many blogs are - targeting someone's skill set with nutrition, yoga, goldfish.  I could do some commentary on philanthropy and may one day.  Right now, I am still just getting the hang of this and enjoy the musings in my mind through the day.  Sorry you are missing them.  I am missing friends to chatter with over a beer and this simply isn't the next best thing.  Hmmm.  Time to go. 

No news, can it be good news?

I am in that middle zone of waiting, waiting. Interviews had, to be had, waiting to have. So much waiting is involved in seeking work. I love the sleeping in, the reading fun novels, the watching late movies, the mid-morning yoga but it all feels so aimless, like drifting leaves, waiting for the wind to send them along. I keep some structure, do some writing, read non-fiction among the novels, walk, do breath work, eat well, etc etc. But will I arrive out of shape, with only a novel outline and with a slight hangover to my first day at some imaginary office of the future? Likely. How is it I expect to adhere to schedules of grace and earnest self improvement when I am not capable of such model behavior with all the time god offers at my disposal. And the cruel irony that I have the time but not the money to travel - to visit Scotland, Budapest. Those are the top two on my list of next holidays.... What will happen is that I will get a job and then become bound within the two week vacation zone of American work experience. But even that will be ok because I realize that work is its own reward now in a way I didn't before. Work offers connection, community, opportunity and a sense of hope. Maybe it is the type of work I seek that I add the hope because while I am volunteering some of my time, it is through my work that I appreciate how important work is for a well functioning community. And I hope that when I do find my new place, my contribution will make a difference and I will feel validated for the patience and fortitude during my search. And this place will then begin to feel a bit like home.

Rain on snow

Today I was meant to go skiing. What is the point of not working if you can't enjoy the season and its offerings? We had more than 24 hours of light soft snow and I was anticipating a fabulous few hours. I had even secured some ski pants to borrow so that I wouldn't be freezing in my silly wind pants like I did last time. But instead, the grey sky offered rain. I left the ski pants with their owner after enjoying the company and a cup of tea and am again idle. After wandering town, I decided to use the hours to help begin the process of daily blogging, in support of the group which hosts national write a novel month(November). If I were at all handy with a computer I would put the link here but I tried that yesterday and failed, repeatedly. Instead, take my word for it, they are now claiming Feb to be the month where you blog every day. All in the effort to keep writers writing. It is a good exercise. So I will play the game. Because today, without skiing, I felt again the tension, the sadness, the heaviness that is the reality of not working. It is just damn tough to stay up when the push of the universe right now feels heavy and down. Maybe a poem is trying to announce itself. It has been quite some time since I've written a poem. I'll let you know how I got on.

Post interview blahs I am fighting

So another interview has come and gone. I think it went well. They asked about my references, that is a good sign. So I went home and enjoyed a lovely dinner with my mother, still cresting the wave of adrenalin and enthusiasm I had worked up to 'sell' myself. And this morning came the crash. The whole process of applying, getting a call, visiting, researching, idea creating, answering questions, being my best self, telling and re-telling my 'story' is tiring. It can even be demoralizing as I chew over answers, think of better examples, pray for compassion. And I know that I now have to wait, for days, while they consider, interview others, do their own research. I wish them well. Because it and they and I are all part of a dance really. I am trying to learn the steps. This protracted experience of job seeking, like spraining my ankle earlier this year, is offering me something new. I try to step back from the process and appreciate this learning because it is real and also it helps me appreciate just how lucky I have been through my career so far. I have always landed on my feet, got the right job, walked into the perfect situation or talked a situation into going my way. And that has meant that I assumed life would always be like that, that my skills and talents, enthusiasm and ideas would keep me on the hot list, make sure I got the job. I can talk, no one who knows me will doubt that. So, finally, I am somewhere where all the talk in the world doesn't seem to be offering me a tipping point into paid employment. Which is leading me, as I fight the desire to sink into a depressive, funky state, to consider self employment, starting a new business, retraining in something altogether different. I'm still exploring - it is what I have the time to do just now! I want this time to be a blessing, an awakening and staying positive is half the battle. Beingkmy and using this blog are helping. And if you know of anyone who wants to hire an organized community builder with networking skills, write me today! Another plus of unemployment is that I get to go skiing tomorrow on the fresh snow falling today!

Cell phone ringtones and a good mystery

One of the things about having a lot of time available is that I find I am exploring things such as ringtones on my smarter-than-me phone. So, I now have a variety of bird calls that indicate to me if a text has come in, if a friend is calling, if someone I don't know is trying to reach me. I have wanted New Zealand bird ringtones and when I was unable to find them, I decided to use some I had found on the open market which are of interest - wrens, crows, owls. I would still prefer a Tui or a bellbird but until I master even more technology, I will make do with what I found for free. The primary reason for changing my ringtones is the amount of time I spend in libraries. Somehow, a hooting howl, while incongruous to the surroundings, is still not as disruptive as any number of 'normal' ringtones that involve loud music or actual ringing bells. And I love watching the confusion on people's faces. I only wish I had more people calling me.....

Today I stayed in bed until nearly noon reading a most absorbing book. A mystery, which is most unlike me. Carol O'Connell is my new favorite author and the Mallory series will be what I look for - I was given Killing Critics which is the third in the series and a quick google tells me there are nine in the series. Just as well I am an honorary member of my mother's mystery book club, which I had heretofor been just the driver for - now I can contribute to the discussion.

Wandering the Georges River

I am actively seeking a quality job and so am doing my homework on this gorgeous Sunday afternoon by driving around back lanes, following the Georges River. I had a bowl of soup in Union and discovered the cafe has a slow-press which is great news for a spring/summer of quality beer drinking....

Yesterday was spent carving ice at the Winterfest in Camden. That was good fun. It seems there is always something going on around here so even though the communities are small, I don't feel as isolated as I thought I might.

The non-winter has meant that my return to running hasn't been slowed down by weather. This morning I went for my usual run past the belties and along the Rockport harbour before returning to Camden. Glorious. Then my well-earned bowl of oatmeal. Yum!

The thing I am noticing about a blog is that I actively write blog posts in my mind during the days and then when I finally face a screen in the local library, I find the content has reduced to ramblings about recent activities. Hmmm. I need to find a strategy to capture my musings that are of interest rather than fill space with nonsense. But, until I have a readership, it doesn't much matter does it? I need to do some property searching, as well as continue the job searching. Just because I am hopeful and praying, doesn't mean things will finally go my way. The search continues until I sign a contract. Be well.

On the road looking for an opportunity

Today on my job search journey three things happened: I had a pre-interview conversation with a great organization, I found out I came in 2nd for a position I interviewed for yesterday and I got a call from another organization for a meeting on Friday. So, since the job of finding a job is a numbers game, I guess I am ahead right now, even though this was the third time I've come in 2nd and each time, to someone with the same 'enthusiasm, good ideas and fantastic experience' but with the 'recent Maine experience' that I lack. My fresh ideas, new eyes and international experience don't seem to cut it when it counts. But, it is reassuring to hear that I make committees struggle with their decision making and that they like my energy. Would that my energy was strong enough to pay my bills, I would cease and desist from this frustrating search. But equally, I am having fun, clarifying my goals, articulating my strengths, keeping my communication skills finely tuned and getting out and about mid coast Maine. My overnight trip to Brunswick (for the conversation) was terrific: I saw a bald eagle soaring overhead on the way home, wandered around historic Bath, had an amazing cranberry/orange muffin, went shopping at a now-favorite natural foods store and was able to sing out loud in the car for a long time....

This week, I fasted for three days, in part to celebrate the beginning of the Year of the Dragon and because January was going to slip away if I didn't just pick some days and stop eating. I try to fast at least twice a year for 3-5 days and intend to commit to a weekly 24 hr fast. Considering how fantastic I feel after three days, I am re-inspired to attempt the weekly. I like beingKMY when I feel strong and light and clear-headed. Fasting does that!

Let this begin

Getting a blog started is harder than the spin makes it sound but maybe that is just me. Anyway, here I am and the sun has come out on another spring-like winter day in Maine. I am off to a job interview this afternoon and then another pre-interview tomorrow. Things are starting to move and I feel that I am close to getting settled. I am four days away from a year off work - I left the University of Otago on 28 January. That is amazing. The year has been not at all as expected and I will continue to reflect on it and what continues to happen. Right now my focus is on finding work, finding a more permanent home and creating a community. There is some interesting stuff happening and I would love to be part of it. Patience, that is the hard part of beingKMY. But it is something this year and this life so far has been continually trying to teach me.