St Valentine's day

How is it we have let a card company and a mania for consuming, diminish our sense of selves?  Or is it just me?  Anyway, I had bubbles at breakfast and celebrated my love of place, of self, of this time, these opportunities.  Then I was fortified to wander off into the world knowing that no matter what, I am and will always be loved by the most important person in my world, myself.  I am grateful for so many things, most of all these people: Mom, Bill, Sharon, Lisa, Honor, Dad, Kolleen, NZ and Krip friends, new Camden friends, Tui and MoJo.  So, with that, I am off in search of some glorious dark chocolate.  xoxo

White hair

I've had white hair for about eight months now and I still forget I've got it.  That I cut my hair I can't forget since I love not having it always in my face.  But there are, I've realized, more downsides than upsides to short hair.  For instance, every morning, my hair has bed head - in classic style.  Every angle and sticking up hideously.  That never happens with long hair.  Also, there is only one style now for my hair and it gets boring, seeing, combing, creating the same look every day.  With long hair, I had options.  I may not have utilized them very often and been quite boring in my day to day existence with long hair, but there was always that opportunity, just waiting.  So, I've decided to let it grow again, which will be hell of course to get through certain stages.  And I'll have to decide how long is long - just all one length but ending at my chin?  Or my shoulders?  And will I keep it white.  I've always felt that long hair doesn't do white well and tfor me, part of cutting it all off was going white.  Now, I long for the length but am learning how to live with the white and I'll see what long does.  I don't feel I can go back to color, of course, right now, I can't afford it even if I wanted to so white it remains until employment happens.  And then, once established, changing something as radical as a haircolor, particularly from white to color, will be awkward.  For who I ask myself?  But, first to let it grow and then to determine how I feel about the color or absence.  Of course, if the absence of men continues then it doesn't take a genius to deduce that men want, more than anything, to live in a fantasy that says the woman on his arm is younger than him and indeed, younger than her own age.  That is what color does.  I do feel I look either, my age or older but that is mostly because so many of both genders color their hair for so long (into their 60s/70s) that having white hair in my 40s just lumps me automatically a few decades ahead of myself.  The whole issue is one I feel interested to continue living through and the start happens with not buzzing it again.  Of course, unique to me, is that I have three competing cowlicks at the crown of my head.  The lack of weight from long hair allows each to express its opinion about the direction of the many short hair strands.  Altogether, not a good look.  On the plus side of the whole white hair experience, I have discovered the joy of wearing color.  No longer the gothic all black - it is too severe with the silver hair.  So reds, pinks, orange, green, etc - all part of the new wardrobe, the new look, the emerging essence of beingkmy.

the sun mocks me

Lolling about in bed as late as 9 am, knowing the sun is shining, knowing that my body calls out for a walk, for yoga, for a stretch (however minimal) doesn't shift me very often these days from sloth, from the lolling.  It is as if, to put a positive spin on it, I am storing up all this lazy emptiness for when my life gets busy again and these long slow mornings become part of a reflective longing, of happy memory, of gentle laughter at how, so often, where we are isn't where we want to be or so we think in every moment.  Thus I am allowing myself this reveling, this languor, this silly slipping into stiffness and bad posture - all in the knowledge that soon enough I will be regimented, urgently doing all the 'right' things so that everything fits.  I will again be driven by my list, my need to stay on top of work, fitness, playfulness, health.  And of course I will kick myself that in this long period of idleness I chose not to lose 10 pounds, not to run a daily 5k, not to actually acquire a daily meditation practice.  But kicking does no good.  Every day I lay in bed and choose.  In that choice is the opportunity to enhance my body or feed my soul by allowing sloppy living to reign.  Of course, sloppy living, like sloppy language softens the muscles of our discipline and makes an uglier presentation to the universe so this isn't a place to hang around for too long.  But no longer do berate myself on off mornings, on lazy sleepins.  Time enough to come when I long for the snooze.  As I feel closer to work, to structure, to the next phase of my life, I increasingly feel ready to challenge, to move, to get out of bed because I am hungry to begin again.  The resting is nearly over.  So, as I two steps forward, these mornings of one step back are really a delight.  And I grin when I think about them because they are restorative and restoration is what I needed, craved and acquired.  With grace, I will begin again, listing but also listening to when the pause button needs an extra push, even in the midst of frantic doing.  Particularly then. 

Driving test, written

Another glorious day and I will be taking my driving test to prove I can memorize how many feet it takes for my car to stop at a speed of 50 mph and other critical information.  I had a most hopeful phone call yesterday and that is part of the reason I have been at the library this morning, doing more research.  I need to remember this time of research when I do get a job.  Just allowing oneself to wander resources and look for fresh ideas is very rewarding and stimulating and inspiring.  Borrowing bits of success from around the world will make whatever I eventually do all the better for whoever I am doing it with.  That is a perfectly obscure sentence.  Ah well, suffice to say, that taking the time to just seek without pressure is so rewarding, I hope to keep the zen of it within me as work pressures mount, which in time, I am assured, they will.  And I am aware of how without loyalty I can be.  Each of the potential employers has rallied within me the challenge to see how I could be creative and offer new ideas.  And for each, I could and would do my best.  It is just amazing to see how quickly I swap and change as opportunities fade or new directions arise.  There are so many mindful moments on this journey toward employment, I am grateful, truly, for the forced connection to them.  Namaste. 

Cover letter #36

Honestly, now, I am writing from scratch, if only to entertain myself.  Clearly whatever I'm doing isn't working so I am ditching my tried and true letters and responding to how I feel when I am writing.  Of course, the anxiety is creeping back in as time passes and those 'conversations' I had two weeks ago fade in my memory, as clearly, I have faded from potential employers.  I sought out names of professional employment firms in the night and next week will road trip to Portland to meet with someone for a look at my resume and my cover letters and some good old fashioned advice.  Could it be reverse culture failure?  Is it the white hair?  I am a bag of doubts and wonders, none of which is helpful.  Each day I gaze at the sea and practice my gratitude prayers but even that moment of peaceful beauty and grace doesn't make up for 24.5 hours of dismay and discouragement.  I imagine it must be my guardian angel who is keeping the sun out for me so that I remember how to shine.  I take hope from that belief.  And my girlfriend today encouraged a daily dose of bubbles in the prelude to V-day.  I am already wearing red or pink each day, the bubbles are another way of smiling back at God and encouraging love into my life.  And good friends.  I raise my glass to both ideas, all of you.

Reflexology

Today I met with my new teacher and signed up for a 250 hour course to become qualified as a reflexologist before summer!  The start of a new career or at least a side business that connects me with people in a new and different way.  This is asking for money as well, but with a twist.  The donors get to relax instead of tense up during their time with me....just getting through the course will tell me a lot about if this is really going to be me or just another trick in my bag.  Meanwhile, I've applied for yet another job; this one full time and at a private college. Not sure if it is what I want but truly, I guess, I do need to do something for at least two years until I have a sense of what Maine has to offer me and during that time I need references, a sense of local success and connection to people.  I am no longer all that worried about who I work for - all those I've applied to would be organizations I could support and get excited about.  What needs to happen is for someone to trust, to risk and to believe I can and will do my best for them.  Meanwhile, I will chase some new and different dreams.  Even if I was a betting person, I couldn't begin to guess who will be the organization that offers me my chance.  Bless them as they consider all the applicants.  We are all likely worthy, I just hope something I say becomes my personal tipping point into employment. 

Owl's Head General Store

Today was glorious, what I experienced of it.  I slept straight through two yoga classes, dragging self to the kitchen for coffee at 11:45 am.  Thought to call mom and see if she wanted to go for a drive since the sun was shining and while I was enjoying sitting on the couch doing nothing, the day looked too gorgeous to pass over completely.  So we went in search of the claimed 'best burger in Maine'.  And it was good.  The sunset will be glorious and I'm going for a long walk to watch it set before enjoying dinner and some movies at home and an early night so that tomorrow I can and will get up to watch the bald eagles feed on the Georges River.

What I did accomplish today was to sign up for a reflexology course that starts at the end of the month.  In five months time I will be qualified to practice in Maine.  That is great.  The teacher sounds interesting, the class will be with three other women and we meet six times between now and June.   I am rather excited since I have been thinking and reading about this a lot lately and I think it will give me some options.  I'm going looking for a house next week and will look with the idea of operating my 'business' from a spare room.  Next up will be a course on aromatherapy.  Maybe also a nutrition/wellness diploma (on-line).  So much to do and that is why I am praying for the part time job at Georges River.  Not only because I believe they would be great to work for but I would have the time and capacity to develop these other aspects, as well as do some free lance writing and typing.  There really isn't any limit to what I can do but what I need most of all is some immediate income to pay the rent!  And some spare change to buy things like the new Leonard Cohen CD. 

I am listening to it now while I type - Old Ideas - such a great smoky sexy voice.  What a guy.