the sun mocks me

Lolling about in bed as late as 9 am, knowing the sun is shining, knowing that my body calls out for a walk, for yoga, for a stretch (however minimal) doesn't shift me very often these days from sloth, from the lolling.  It is as if, to put a positive spin on it, I am storing up all this lazy emptiness for when my life gets busy again and these long slow mornings become part of a reflective longing, of happy memory, of gentle laughter at how, so often, where we are isn't where we want to be or so we think in every moment.  Thus I am allowing myself this reveling, this languor, this silly slipping into stiffness and bad posture - all in the knowledge that soon enough I will be regimented, urgently doing all the 'right' things so that everything fits.  I will again be driven by my list, my need to stay on top of work, fitness, playfulness, health.  And of course I will kick myself that in this long period of idleness I chose not to lose 10 pounds, not to run a daily 5k, not to actually acquire a daily meditation practice.  But kicking does no good.  Every day I lay in bed and choose.  In that choice is the opportunity to enhance my body or feed my soul by allowing sloppy living to reign.  Of course, sloppy living, like sloppy language softens the muscles of our discipline and makes an uglier presentation to the universe so this isn't a place to hang around for too long.  But no longer do berate myself on off mornings, on lazy sleepins.  Time enough to come when I long for the snooze.  As I feel closer to work, to structure, to the next phase of my life, I increasingly feel ready to challenge, to move, to get out of bed because I am hungry to begin again.  The resting is nearly over.  So, as I two steps forward, these mornings of one step back are really a delight.  And I grin when I think about them because they are restorative and restoration is what I needed, craved and acquired.  With grace, I will begin again, listing but also listening to when the pause button needs an extra push, even in the midst of frantic doing.  Particularly then.